Real Talk Mothering

Motherhood is nothing but a bag of paradoxes, especially of feelings, especially when you're a full-time stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I struggled with it for a while but am coming to accept that I have to make space to accept all of my feelings simultaneously. As I wrote about in a previous post , parenting provides constant emotional whiplashes.  So, for future reference and current curiosity, I wanted to write down the giant bag of feelings/thoughts I experience on any given day/hour/minute... Resentful  - that my husband is much more free to be away from the kids than I am, even though logically I am the one who chose to exclusively breastfeed and be a stay-at-home-mom. (see my last post ). I can't be away from the baby for more than 2 hours but I'm counting down til when he'll be weaned so I can take an extended break. I breastfed my firstborn til she was 18 months so I have about 10 more months to go if we last that long... Humbled  - Just when I think I've figure...

I was never one of those girls whose biggest wish was to be a mom, who dreamt of full-time homemaking and childrearing. A conversation with a mom friend recently reminded me of my reasons for choosing to being a stay-at-home mom. It's interesting to think about the various scenarios moms find themselves in... (*When I say "work", I mean paid employment by an external party. I believe raising children is the most important and hardest work there is.) Some women must work full-time to help pay for (or be the sole provider) necessities like the mortgage, car payments, utilities, and food. Some women feel some cultural/religious/societal obligation to give up or bypass educational and professional pursuits to focus on raising children. Some women choose to work full-time because they feel happier and more fulfilled doing so. Some women figure out some arrangement of part-time work and part-time childcare by others to try to have the best of both worlds. Some women like me cho...

After 6 months of thinking "I hate my life, even though I chose this and wished for it for over a decade", crying often from feeling overwhelmed/exhausted/frustrated, and fuming with rage mostly towards my toddler...some friends suggested that I might have   postpartum depression (PPD) . I'd never experienced depression before so I wasn't sure but I looked up the symptoms and I had the ones I listed above.  There are multiple factors contributing to my PPD (hormone fluctuations, no paternity leave, the constraining long summer heat, lots of home improvement projects) but I knew the main issue extreme sleep deprivation from getting up 3-5 times a night to feed my baby. I knew this was not sustainable. So I finally invested in a sleep training program that many friends have recommended -  Taking Cara Babies . I started watching the videos and very gradually/gently implementing her system of strategies. I recommend it to every mother of young children! My baby's slee...

Going from 1 to 2 kids is no joke. Looking back, I wanted to share the thoughts I recorded while in the midst of postpartum depression (PPD) so I don't forget how low I was and what I had to overcome to start enjoying my children the way I envisioned it - as a patient, playful, loving, happy mother. The thoughts below are in no particular order, just thoughts that kept running thru my mind: No parent can avoid the awful tantrum stage of toddlerhood, especially if a new sibling is introduced. I've noticed that my thoughts towards my toddler directly influence her behavior: "You’re annoying me, be quiet, leave me alone, I don’t want to be around you, I don’t like you, you’re being bad" >>> whining, crying, thrashing, disobeying, screaming "I love you, I like being around you, I want to help you, you’re lovable, I cherish you, you’re a good child" >>> quickly calming, cooperation, better communication   Mom rage - yes I have it. I feel like I...

Before I became a mom, I always hoped I wouldn’t become one of those moms who “let themself go” - basically someone who has completed neglected their physical appearance and personal needs.   I haven’t completely let myself go - I still try to look somewhat presentable when I leave the house and I maintain some nonnegotiable self-care activities - but I’ve made many intentional sacrifices in my appearance to prioritize my young children (with occasional exceptions like for church on Sundays): HAIR: I don’t style it anymore, just brush it and tie it back because otherwise my baby keeps grabbing it and pulls it out, leaving more stray hairs than usual around the house. FOUNDATION: I don’t wear it on my face anymore because I love nuzzling my baby and I don’t want it to rub off on him and irritate his sensitive skin.   LIPSTICK: I love wearing lipstick but I’d rather give my baby a million kisses all day everyday, so I stick to lip balm.   MASCARA/EYE SHADOW: I don’t wear it...

It’s true, the twos are terrible - absolutely maddening, frustrating, and infuriating.   The twos are also terrific - absolutely astounding, delightful, and magical.   Parenthood is full of paradoxes. This is not a new topic, just my take on it.   My toddler will be 3 in a couple months. She is a tornado of paradoxes. Let's start with the negatives, though I've read that what's frustrating to us is just a natural and usually healthy developmental process of them exploring the world, understanding themselves, and testing boundaries.  But still, these are things she does that drive me insane. Some of these I'm not sure if it's a common toddler thing or her specific personality.  Irrational  - She refuses to do things right after she tells us she needs to (pee, eat, etc.). Defiant  - She'll give a super high pitched screech when she doesn't want to do something, sometimes waking the baby. And her default answer to any question is a loud "No!" Slow ...

I had a big “aha!” moment recently. I’ve been feeling miserable parenting my newborn and toddler, mad that everything was so hard and I wasn’t enjoying this stage that everyone makes look idyllic on social media. I couldn’t figure out why I wasn’t experiencing more joy!   My kids are beautiful and healthy, my husband and I are relatively young and healthy, he’s employed, we have a nice comfortable home, supportive friends and family (though the latter are far away), and testimonies of the gospel of Jesus Christ!   Things look great from the outside, why aren’t I happy?   Then it hit me. As Taylor Swift says, “It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me.”   It’s my MOOD RIGIDITY.   Meaning when I get in a bad mood because something didn’t go my way, I tend to stay in that mood for hours or even a whole day.   But the thing about raising young kids (and maybe older kids too, I don’t know yet) is good/bad/hard things fluctuate quite frequently throughout the day! Fo...