After 6 months of thinking "I hate my life, even though I chose this and wished for it for over a decade", crying often from feeling overwhelmed/exhausted/frustrated, and fuming with rage mostly towards my toddler...some friends suggested that I might have postpartum depression (PPD). I'd never experienced depression before so I wasn't sure but I looked up the symptoms and I had the ones I listed above.
There are multiple factors contributing to my PPD (hormone fluctuations, no paternity leave, the constraining long summer heat, lots of home improvement projects) but I knew the main issue extreme sleep deprivation from getting up 3-5 times a night to feed my baby. I knew this was not sustainable. So I finally invested in a sleep training program that many friends have recommended - Taking Cara Babies. I started watching the videos and very gradually/gently implementing her system of strategies. I recommend it to every mother of young children!
My baby's sleep and my life improved instantly and soon dramatically. I want to document it here to create my journey and help any moms who feel stuck in the misery of PPD due to sleep deprivation. Here are all the things I started doing:
- Got his room as dark as possible (bought a blackout curtain, covered air purifier & sound machine lights, blocked the light under the doors) and turned up the sound machine
- Keep wake windows age appropriate (2-3 hrs), waking him up between 6:30-7:00am
- Not changing his diaper at night
- Keep him awake while nursing him in the dark before and after sleeping (the only time he’ll eat) by singing and talking so I can put him in the crib awake and let him soothe himself to sleep
- Pat him to sleep in the crib (gradually decreasing the frequency and duration) until he fell asleep
- Keep naps under 2 hrs each, max 4 hrs a day, ending by 5:30pm at the latest
- Make bedtime between 7-8pm
- Dream feed 10pm and 2pm, slowly night-weaning
- Never pick him up to feed when he cries at night, which he rarely did once I started doing all this
The result is he can now sleep 10-12 hours through the night without needing me to come feed him (I feed him before I go to bed) and soothes himself to sleep and back to sleep. He's on a predictable schedule so I can plan things and have a break in the evenings before my bedtime. Life-changing.
Other things I've been doing the past month is ask other moms whose children have grown to watch my toddler for a couple hours a few times a month to give me a slight break and be 1:1 with the baby, who is becoming more adorable, active, smiley, and bonded with us everyday! I've been super stressed about my husband's upcoming business trips but my mom and brother offered to come help me. Also, our drawn-out bathroom renovation is finally over and the weather is barely starting to cool down to take morning walks again. All of these things have really improved my mental health.
I'm still tired because I'm busy taking care of the 2 kiddos during the day but I'm less irritable, miserable, and overwhelmed. I'm better able to stay calm and patient. I can get through the day without a nap, though I still often try to nap during one of the baby's naps while my toddler does quiet time (she makes me sleep in her bed). I still lose my temper and get frustrated when my toddler acts out, but less often. I haven't thought "I hate my life" in a month now! Progress.
I'm so grateful. God is good.
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