Thoughts from the Worst 6 Months of My Life

Going from 1 to 2 kids is no joke.

Looking back, I wanted to share the thoughts I recorded while in the midst of postpartum depression (PPD) so I don't forget how low I was and what I had to overcome to start enjoying my children the way I envisioned it - as a patient, playful, loving, happy mother.

The thoughts below are in no particular order, just thoughts that kept running thru my mind:

No parent can avoid the awful tantrum stage of toddlerhood, especially if a new sibling is introduced.

I've noticed that my thoughts towards my toddler directly influence her behavior:

  • "You’re annoying me, be quiet, leave me alone, I don’t want to be around you, I don’t like you, you’re being bad" >>> whining, crying, thrashing, disobeying, screaming
  • "I love you, I like being around you, I want to help you, you’re lovable, I cherish you, you’re a good child" >>> quickly calming, cooperation, better communication 

Mom rage - yes I have it. I feel like I’m gonna blow my top at least once a day trying to balance the competing needs of my children.


It is absolutely maddening putting down the baby for a nap because my toddler insists on being in the room but she keeps breaking the rules and being squirmy and noisy which distracts him and keeps him awake. 


I’m so grateful we have a modest sized house. It’s easier to clean, cheaper to furnish, faster to tidy up, less tiring to carry laundry, and more efficient in caring for my kids. 


I find myself more short-tempered with my toddler since my mom left and I think it’s because she seems more demanding at inconvenient times, like needing to go potty while I’m breastfeeding or taking too long to wash her hands while the baby is crying. Then I realized it’s not her fault. She has needs, she’s good at voicing them, she can be patient only sometimes. 


Why do moms always thank their kids for making them moms? It’s the husband who did, kids had no choice in the matter!


One of the best things about not being pregnant anymore is being able to hold my toddler in my lap again.


I can’t wait until my kids’ eating and sleeping has no impact whatsoever on my body and sleep.


I’m so tired of being needed all the time! 


The worst thing about parenting is no matter how tired you are, you just gotta get up and keep going.


When you don’t get enough sleep, that’s all you think about. When you get enough sleep, you can think about everything else.


Sleep impacts my whole attitude towards my kids. 

  • Deprived: “Stop bothering me, you’re so annoying, be quiet and leave me alone!” 
  • Rested: “I’m so sorry you’re uncomfortable, what’s bothering you, how can I make you feel better?”

Motherhood is full of funny menial tasks. Like today, one of my goals was to get all our nails cut. The baby’s and my fingernails, the toddler’s toenails and fingernails. We didn’t accomplish the goal. 


I hate hate hate my life. I just want to go to bed and be left alone. But I never get adequate restful sleep and then I have to wake up and do it again. 


I can't believe I've waited and prayed for this for 12 years. I had no idea how miserable this would be. 

--

I know I'm not alone in having thoughts like these as a tired busy mother of young kids. I truly think there should be no shame in experiencing PPD. You're responsible for meeting multiple needs of these little demanding strangers in your home while your body is still healing and reeling from fluctuating hormones while not being able to tend to your most basic needs like sleeping and eating and peeing. It's an awful time - the hardest worst 6 months of my life (thus far, knock on wood). See my next post for how I climbed out of this dark hole.

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