Holding Space for all the Feelings of a SAHM

Motherhood is nothing but a bag of paradoxes, especially of feelings, especially when you're a full-time stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I struggled with it for a while but am coming to accept that I have to make space to accept all of my feelings simultaneously. As I wrote about in a previous post, parenting provides constant emotional whiplashes. 

So, for future reference and current curiosity, I wanted to write down the giant bag of feelings/thoughts I experience on any given day/hour/minute...

Resentful - that my husband is much more free to be away from the kids than I am, even though logically I am the one who chose to exclusively breastfeed and be a stay-at-home-mom. (see my last post). I can't be away from the baby for more than 2 hours but I'm counting down til when he'll be weaned so I can take an extended break. I breastfed my firstborn til she was 18 months so I have about 10 more months to go if we last that long...

Humbled - Just when I think I've figured out something, it changes! Children develop at such a rapid rate when they're this young (my kids are 8 months and 34 months), they literally and metaphorically keep me on my toes trying to understand and meet their emotional, physical, intellectual, and social needs. It's impossible to become an expert because each child is different. Many mornings start with a prayer from me to God pleading for more strength, patience, kindness, creativity, energy, and inspiration than I can muster up alone. Parents who are not religious...how do they do it?!

Grateful - that I get to be there for every moment of adorable moments and exciting milestones, to be the first person to see them do something for the first time, to be able to write it down for them and me to laugh over later. I'm grateful my husband's income is sufficient to support us and he supports me in being a SAHM right now. 

Longing - for oh so many things I once enjoyed freely and am eagerly looking forward to enjoying again. Traveling, playing piano, dancing, sleeping in, going to bed early (I feed my baby at 10:30pm-ish to get him thru the night), working on a college campus, public speaking in person, taking online classes, etc. 

Free - ironically, as I feel the most tied down I've ever felt by my children's needs and schedules, I also have more freedom during the day than I ever had while working a full-time desk job at a university. I can pretty much do anything, go anywhere anytime, and change up plans as I wish. I just choose to keep a pretty strict eating/sleeping schedule for my children's sake, which directly affects my sanity!

Furious - 2 words: toddler tantrums. Oooh it gets my blood boiling when my toddler starts screaming/crying/whining/thrashing irrationally and doesn't respond to reasoning. Or when she deliberately or repeatedly disobeys or ignores me, or takes forever to do something. I have to exercise so much self-control to keep from lashing out, which of course I've done, but I'm working on staying calm. It's such an inner battle. This is all part of the self-improvement plan built into parenting. 

Awe - I just marvel at the perfect smoothness and beauty of their skin, eyelashes, noses, lips, hands...and to think that I made them, they were built out of my flesh and breastmilk, they have half my genes, they get to be mine forever...it literally feels like my heart skips a beat when I stop to think about it. 

Sad - the loss of my slimmer body and smoother skin is a daily confrontation. I'm trying to maintain realistic expectations of postpartum healing and remember that my body was built to carry, birth, and mother children...not to look the same forever. 

Hopeful - that once they're both in school, I'll have more time to exercise, work professionally, hang out with friends, and pursue my hobbies again. I see lots of moms whose children have all grown and left the house, and how much free time they now have!! That's often what gets me going through the day when I feel like I have no time to myself. 

Excited - I can't wait til I can take my kids to things I enjoy when we're not inhibited by breastfeeding, naptimes, and mobility...waterparks, NYC (my favorite city), theme parks, movie theaters, plays/musicals, etc. I know lots of moms take their babies to these places but I'd rather avoid the extra stress and just wait til they're a little older.  

Annoyed - why can't these kids leave me alone?! I just want a moment to pee/wash the dishes/brush my teeth but they're constantly calling or crying for me. They are both so clingy and follow me wherever I go around the house. I had 2 kids so they can entertain each other more but they're not at that stage yet I guess. 

Amused - my toddler drives me crazy but she is so smart and funny. She says the darndest things and I write them all down to compile in her yearly photobook that I design and print from Shutterfly. I chuckle and laugh out loud multiple times a day, which has got to be good for my health. 

Bored - my husband made me realize some of the new toys I want to buy or the places I want to take the kids are for me, not them. I get tired of their same toys and reading the same books and staying in the house all day. I crave variety and novelty and intellectual stimulation (my toddler talks too much for me to read or listen to podcasts). I want to go explore places and see different people. I want to have an incentive to look decent (put on makeup and jewelry, style my hair) because I have somewhere to go and other people will be there, and not stay home feeling schlumpy all day. 

Impressed - it's so cool watching my kids learn and do new things, like my toddler using a new word in a complex sentence or my baby learning to get down from standing without falling over. My toddler is exceptionally good at creating funny song lyrics and rhyming words we don't usually think of like viper/diaper and autumn/bottom. 

Proud - that feeling when I see my kids try and try again, and finally do something on their own or without my asking. Like when my toddler wiped up her own spill or took herself potty...that smile of achievement and new independence is heartwarming. 

Worried - that I'll lose touch with my friends or get professionally behind because friendships are extremely important to me and I definitely want to return to a full-time career in the future. I don't want to become just MOM. I had an interesting life before becoming a mom and I don't want to completely lose myself in this intense period of mothering. 

Exhausted - why do those stupid car seats weigh so freakin much?! Why is it so hot for so much of the year here?! Even after I've sleep trained both kids to sleep thru the night, the sheer physical labors of lifting/bending/carrying 2 wiggly kids wears me out and I still fight for a nap everyday. 

Stressed - uggh there are so many time parameters throughout the day between their sleeping and eating needs, plus extracurriculars and outings and keeping track of household chores. My husband does a good amount of chores but I do a majority of it because I'm home more, and honestly, I probably do more than the average mom because I like an extra clean house. I have realized I'm addicted to having a constant to-do list to get that dopamine rush of crossing things off! But then it's hard to truly relax. 

Joyful - those fleeting perfect moments when the kids are clean, healthy, well-fed, rested, happy, and peacefully playing...and I have no chores to attend to and I think "Ahh this is the life." It also makes me happy to my core when my kids and husband are laughing together. There is no better sound than your own child's laughter. There is no better feeling than a long tight hug with your child when their little body is drooped over yours. I try to catch and savor those moments like fireflies in a jar. 

Love - I love my kids sooooo stinkin' much; it often overwhelms me. I can't kiss or hug them enough (Touch is my top Love Language). As much as I love wearing makeup and I look much better with lipstick, I've decided to give up on that for now...as long as my kids are young enough for me to hold and kiss them whenever they'll keep still. 

Envious - I constantly notice other moms' appearances and sometimes wish I could be that slim or stylish or carefree while taking care of multiple little children in public. I see pictures of friends on exciting exotic vacations with their little kids and wonder how the heck they manage to have fun while dealing with kids who are brought out of their familiar routines and surroundings. I see career advancements of friends and colleagues who are so professionally fulfilled. 

Sympathetic - towards other moms who have much fewer resources than I do because I don't lack for any material conveniences or comforts and I still find mothering to be so grueling. I often think of single moms, moms with unhelpful or abusive partners, moms in poverty or war areas...it breaks my heart all the suffering they must endure on top of trying to provide for all of their child[ren]'s needs. I pray for them.  

Lucky - How lucky am I to get to raise these 2 magical adorable half-breeds (what my white husband and my Chinese self affectionally call our children) on my own terms, to be the main one to teach and shape and love them all day everyday...this invaluable blessing is not lost on me. 

One thing I do not feel is regret. As hard as it gets, as miserable as I sometimes feel, I've never thought "I wish I never had these kids" or "I wish someone else would take care of them while I worked in another job full-time." I [and my husband] chose to bring them into the world and I chose to be a SAHM. I didn't know I would be having to juggle all these feelings but I do believe it's part of the refining experience of mortality and becoming parents.