Stuck with the Choices I Made

Lately I’ve been feeling miserable and unhappy with my situation. A long painful conversation with my husband made me realize that I feel stuck and frustrated with the choices I have made. Here’s the kicker: I wouldn’t make any different choices! I feel the choices I have made are the best for me and my family in the long run, I am just really not enjoying it right now. Ever feel that way? I'm thinking of 3 choices in particular...

1) HAVING CHILDREN

Having children is a commandment in my religion that I always expected to follow. Whatever preferences I may have had for myself were subsumed under this desire to be obedient to God. From what little I knew about parenthood from friends and the media, it seemed all-consuming. So I had as many adventures as possible before motherhood while passionately investing in my career because I knew I would not be able to do those things while my children are young and living at home. I'm so glad I did! It turns out I don’t enjoy taking care of every need for two little humans and I wonder when I will ever be able to reclaim my hobbies or sleep in or travel freely again. 

But every time I ask myself if I would go back in time and decide not to have children, the answer is a blaring no! I adore my precious, beautiful, unique children who are mine forever. I look forward to building close and fulfilling eternal relationships with them, and hope that they have a close sibling relationship to help them through their mortal lives. But for now, I’m stuck with keeping them alive and entertained.

Expiration: 17 years

2) TAKING A CAREER BREAK

Being a full-time SAHM (stay-at -home-mom) is the ideal in my Church, and I always expected myself to do that too. Also partly because my mom always worked outside the home and for many years took college classes and had homework in the evenings. I remember missing her and wishing I had more time with her, and I don’t want my kids to begrudge my absence. But shoot, I really don’t enjoy this full-time gig! Trying to meet my needs and my kids' needs while taking care of household chores is often frustrating and stressful because trying to do all those things get each other’s way. 

But we don’t have any family nearby to help babysit, nannies are prohibitively expensive, and I honestly don’t trust daycares to provide the best care for my kids. There’s definitely an element of wanting to control in there - what they eat, what they learn, how they’re treated, how they’re disciplined, etc. Also, I want to be the first one to witness every milestone and not hear about it secondhand from someone else. I document in words, pictures, and videos every little cute moment and development to put into physical photobooks every year for each child, partly as a physical reminder of why I chose to sacrifice my career for this gig and partly because I want to leave something for my kids to look back on and understand their early years, which detailed documentation I do not have. 

Expiration: 4 years

3) EXCLUSIVELY BREASTFEEDING

I discovered early on that I absolutely hate pumping breastmilk. I heard formula is expensive and there was a shortage when my first child was born. I also read about all the benefits for baby and me to breast-feed for at least a year. So I have chosen to exclusively breast-feed both my children for at least 18 months. I have a whole other blog post about that ("The Pros, Cons, and Complications of Breastfeeding") Let me say again that there is no easy way to feed a baby/toddler. What I gained in not having to spend time pumping and washing pump parts and bottles, and money on bottles and formula, I lost in the freedom to have other people help feed my kids. I have never been away from my kids for more than a couple hours for the whole first year and a half of their lives. This has taken a huge toll because not only do I feel tired, I feel jealous and resentful that my husband can take days-long breaks from the kids while I can’t (he regularly travels for work). I have never taken a girls trip or gone anywhere without my kids overnight. I feel suffocated by the heavy burden of needing to be here to feed my child every 3 to 5 hours. I’m currently trying to wean my second child so hopefully I’ll be done with breast-feeding forever very soon! 

But if I could go back and pump or use formula, would I? I don’t think so! That’s like having to do the work and spending the money to feed them without the extra health benefits for me and my children. I do love the extra bonding and cuddles I have with them, especially my youngest who is developing his wicked sense of humor. But I’m looking forward to wearing whatever I want again and being able to take longer breaks away.

Expiration: 1 month hopefully!