Why Is Life So Hard?

Life has been really hard and unenjoyable this year, starting in 3rd trimester through birth and up until now - the 4th trimester. 

My life has never been so simple yet so difficult.

Caring for a newborn - really hard. 

Caring for a toddler - really really hard. 

Caring for both a newborn and a toddler - triple super duper hard. 

Social media has warped my expectations. Everyone posts about the bliss of a new baby and how cute it is when the older sibling first sees them, but nobody posts about how hard it is! Well, as the name of this blog suggests, I am here to give real talk about how freakin' hard it is because I realize that much of my discontent and unhappiness right now comes from my expectations and desire to feel more joy in this period, but I feel alot of misery. 

Everything is so hard. I am so tired, so frustrated, so overwhelmed. 

I miss the comfortable balance I'd worked so hard to achieve for 2.5 years to meet my firstborn child's needs, my needs, and the household's needs each day. We had family outings every week. We had more freedom, rest, and fun. 

Now everyday is a daunting struggle and drag to survive. Yes, I've been told it gets better, to enjoy the newborn snuggles. I'm trying!! I mean, I am...but it's still really hard. 

So I started praying for joys equal to our struggles because my religion teaches that there is "opposition in all things" and joy is the purpose of our existence...so what is up with this misery I am experiencing? 

I started wondering why life feels so hard right now, and I realized I have additional hardships on top of the already rough transition of having a new baby (the constant breastfeeding and sleepless nights of getting up to feed every 2 hours) - some that are unavoidable/uncontrollable and some that are regrettably self-inflicted! 

UNCONTROLLABLE HARDSHIPS

1. Hot humid Texas climate + mosquitoes - This makes it hard to leave the house because the car gets really hot inside whenever we park anywhere and my baby overheats quickly. Plus we can't go to any outdoor parks or playgrounds for my toddler to get her energy out. Our HOA pool has awful hours of 1-9pm because the high school swim team practices there in the mornings; the afternoons are simply too hot. We don't even want to play outside in our backyard or at splash pads - it's not enough to beat the 90+ degree heat. 
2. Husband's job - He works for a small company that has busy/slow periods each year and the baby happened to be born during their busiest season and he hasn't been able to use the vacation days he's saved up because he's too busy solving problems at work. 
3. Husband's church responsibilities - He's gone half the day on Sundays and some weeknights. He's not able to help me get the kids to church on Sunday mornings. 

SELF-INFLICTED HARDSHIPS - If you're expecting a 2nd child, do yourself a favor and learn from our mistakes by avoiding these things:

1. Home project: deck reconstruction - my husband's parents had tickets to come see us about 6 weeks after the baby was born and my husband decided it'd be a good time to deconstruct the rotting deck and put in a new one with his parents' help because they all enjoy physical labor house projects like that. I had no objections until I realized this would leave me to tend to the house and 2 kids mostly by myself when I was still healing from giving birth and super sleep deprived and overwhelmed. Like most DIY house projects, this one extended more than twice the time planned which meant I was left to fend for myself longer than expected. My husband felt bad and finished it as quickly as he could outside of work hours but it still took a toll on all of us. 
2. Toddler's transitions
1. Potty training - Our 2.5 year old initiated potty training 5 months before the baby was born and we never used any formal system, just let her do it gradually, so it's continued til now. It's been absolutely exhausting and stressful having to drop everything (particularly breastfeeding the baby or trying to put him to sleep) and rush her to the bathroom (usually having to carry her heavy self out of the high chair in the middle of a meal with grimy hands) whenever she said she needed to pee or poop. And then I'd often be in what I call "potty prison" because she seemed to enjoy holding my undivided attention while sitting on the toilet for a super long time. And of course, there are the maddening wet underwear/pants/carpet I'd have to clean up. This is all while the baby is often screaming in the background. 
2. High chair to kid table/chair - I didn't want to hurt my body lifting my heavy toddler in and out of her high chair multiple times a day after my mom left, so I suggested switching her to her little kid size chair and table. The new problem arose of her constantly moving around when she ate and getting furniture/walls dirty and spilling more food/drinks. I realized she could not control her body's impulses and needed to be contained. So after a month of repeatedly telling her to stay in her chair while eating, we put her back in the high chair and she was so happy to be re-contained. 
3. Toddler bed to twin mattress - We'd converted her crib to a toddler bed (with the low front halfway "fence") a few months before baby came to give her time to adjust, and she quickly liked it even though she'd often climb dangerously all over it. The main reason we put her on a twin mattress 2 months after baby is because I wanted to prepare her for a family wedding trip (see "1st Trip with a Newborn & a Toddler") where I knew she'd likely have to sleep in a bed cuz there wouldn't be enough pack'n'plays. BIG MISTAKE. She loved playing and plopping on her new big bed, but had a hard time going to sleep under the covers because it wasn't fenced in. 
4. No more sleep sack - For probably 2 years, she'd been self-soothing by sucking her thumb and rubbing the zipper top of her sleep sack on her chin. But she'd been rubbing so hard/long that she breaking the skin and we were afraid she'd create permanent scars. We asked her to stop scratching her chin but she couldn't control her toddler impulses, so we took it away and she didn't protest much, but then she started fighting her naps. I just recently realized that taking away 2 containments - her toddler bed and sleep sack - during this big transitional period took away her comforting soothing methods, which seriously disturbed her sleep. I'm kicking myself over these premature changes, but we can't go back, just gotta help her get over this hump as quickly as possible and back to sleeping regularly again. 
3. Utah trip - see "1st Trip with a Newborn & a Toddler". Awful decision. Totally regret it. Avoid our mistake.

Also, how do so many women/parents get past this miserable period and want even more children?! It blows my mind, completely baffles me. 

Morals of the story if you're starting your own chapter of life with a newborn and toddler:

• Simplify everything and make the minimal changes to your life during this period
• Don't travel
• Don't start any house projects
• Build a wide community of support people beyond your spouse
• Post about your beautiful highlights as well as the hard real life struggles

This period will pass and life will get easier, as every parent keeps reminding me...