Partnering/Parenting with God

I've found that even with a supportive husband who is very hands-on with the kids and housework, and a helpful community of friends (we don't live near family), most of the time I'm left parenting by myself and I can't do it well enough. I'm often too exasperated, exhausted (still getting up 3-5 times a night to breastfeed the newborn), frustrated, impatient, and plain stuck to find solutions to the problems and questions that arise like...

• How do I get my toddler to stop peeing her pants randomly when she can hold it most of the time? 
• How do I keep from becoming engorged with breastmilk without resorting to the electric pump I hate using? 
• How do I coordinate my children's nap times so I can continue to get a nap everyday? 
• How do I stay calm during my toddler's tantrums? 
• Which sources of parenting advice should I turn to? 
• What are the essential activities of each day I should prioritize? 
• How do I maintain a close connection with my husband amidst parenting and chores? 
• How do I maintain my friendships? 
• How do I stay intellectually stimulated so my brain doesn't turn to mush? 
• How do I stay professionally active so I can go back to a career I love in ___ years? 
• etc.

I learned long ago that I by myself am weak and imperfect, and that God and I can get through and accomplish anything. So as I embark on the next level of parenting with 2 young children, which is exponentially harder than the first, I quickly learned that I must closely partner with God if I'm to remain sane. 

But not just sane - HAPPY! 

I expect and demand joy for the sacrifices of having children!

A couple of weeks ago, I was pushed over the edge because my toddler has been fighting her nap for weeks (crying for me to come get her, singing, talking, jumping, kicking) and I realized my naps are probably going to end soon because up until now (baby is 11 weeks) I’ve managed to get them both down for nap time so I could nap. I’m still getting up 2-4 times a night to feed him. 

I started panicking and texting mom friends who are just slightly ahead of me in our kids’ ages for advice. They were all so lovingly supportive and empathetic, telling me I’m in the hardest stage right now with a newborn and toddler, and they gave me a huge range of advice that further overwhelmed me. Then I responded to all of them - 

“I think the core of what's overwhelming me so much right now is figuring out how to balance the very different needs of my 10 week old and almost 3 year old with my own needs. Sleeping, eating, playing/exercise...while feeling so restricted by the insufferable hot humid weather for the next 5 months 😓”

I started praying for the spirit of discernment as I was feeding/changing the baby while my toddler played loudly next to me to know who and where to get advice from.

2 specific promptings immediately came that surprised me:

***Don’t take [a certain mom]'s advice. It will make you feel inadequate and insecure.*** (She is a kind faithful friend who didn't mean any harm but who takes motherhood to a new level and can be a bit dogmatic. I’ve never felt mom guilt before because I know I’m a hardworking intentional mom, but she made me feel it for the first time - that I wasn’t doing enough or well enough.) 

***Your love is enough.*** (This came while I was holding back tears and holding/kissing my baby)

Then I felt specifically to call my mother-in-law whom I've never called 1:1 before. She gave me 2 pieces of advice that basically reiterated my 2 specific spiritual revelations:

1. Kids are resilient, just meet their basic needs and give them love.
2. Don’t fall into the trap of feeling like you’re not doing enough, there’s always something more you can be doing.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS SO FASCINATING that God would answer my prayers by repeating His advice through her, who I would never think to call on my own. She also said feeling overwhelmed is much of motherhood. It took her about 6 months to adjust with each new child (she had 8!) which made me feel better because it’s been less than 3 months with my baby. She also suggested to get together with other moms so kids can play together and to do at least one thing for yourself to take a break, even if you bring your kids.

Distilling all the advice I got from my mom friends, it came down to:

Don’t do it alone, ask for help. Get together with other moms.

I’m still trying to sort all this out and apply the advice and revelation I've gotten. I’m grateful God is quick to answer my prayers.

• I've reached out to several moms who have babysat before and expressed interest in doing so again to play with my toddler so I can get a little break with my baby (and hopefully put him down for a nap so I can have some me time!).
• I'm trying to schedule more playdates (I prefer 1:1 to groups but maybe there is strength in numbers when it comes to little kids?).
• I pray more often for more love, patience, and long suffering.
• I verbally tell my children "I love you so much" to remind myself that that's all they really need from me, and to calm myself down when I get frustrated with them.
• Whenever I feel overwhelmed about needing to plan more activities or buy more stuff, I remind myself that my love is enough and re-evaluate whether that extra activity or toy or book would really be beneficial long term.

As new issues and questions arise and I seek more moms for help, I do a little spiritual gut check to see if I should follow their advice, and then I try to follow it or not. It has been such a blessing. 

For example, I posted on Facebook about what to do if your toddler gives up naps but you still need a break and several friends said my 2.5 year old still needs to nap til about age 4 and to not give up trying to get her to nap. Most other friends suggested switching to quiet time with specific toys reserved for that time. My husband thought she still needed to nap so we stuck with it and she's napped 3 times again in the past week!! I am so relieved. And now I have some ideas of what to do for quiet time when she does give up naps for good, so I'll just save that advice for later. 

Parenting is brutally hard. God knows. We're imperfect children. He will not leave us to parent alone if we actively seek His help.